#bigconvointheuniversityofSiwatoday

In the past I’ve said to people, “You don’t do the work you need to do and perfect it and then find a partner”. Part of the work is figuring out yourself within the context of another human being in an intimate relationship and then others outside that. In interfacing with another human being you learn more about yourself. I mean if the monk can be all peaceful on the mountain meditating but is frazzled in the midst of New York City then… (s)he hasn’t really cracked it.

That’s all well and good but when I consider myself I’m more … well, I’ve got fantastic friends. I have very intimate friendships. We talk about many things, we enter uncomfortable spaces, we push each other to explore and experiment with life, we support each other. The honesty can be brutal (ok so maybe I’m the brutal one and they’re all gentle …. not quite, almost…) but I know it’s always with love and wishing the best for each other. I don’t feel the need for a lover/romantic partner/I can’t even choose/type the word because I’m so anti-‘it’. Of course, there is the fear of another disaster but… until I sort out my work and design and implement my life the way I want it to be. I’m good! I mean when you’re on a plane they always announce adults put your oxygen masks on first and then put the mask on your child. Right!? I mean gimme ah ease up nuh!

In The University of Siwa discussions I remembered that when I was approaching 40, I did have the perfect job, perfect family, perfect community and I thought, I don’t want to live in this perfection (albeit perfect in its imperfections) for another 40 years so, I quit my job and went to Peru. Perfection was not all I thought it would be. It wasn’t running away. I knew even then … that wherever I went… I was accompanied by me.

Ok, so I’m contradicting myself and not taking my own advice. I once asked my father, “Why don’t you ever advise me?” “Because people don’t take advice.” Good point but, advice helps you come to your own conclusion. Well it does for me. But, I guess I need to sit still and come to it from within.

Siwa is the answer?

Maybe, it’s knowing when to do which? Like the last line of the serenity prayer: “grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

Siwa is the answer?

Bottom line. In my latter years I’ve made terrible choices when it comes to men. More often than not, I have accepted advances from men rather than selecting the type of man that I would want to partner with. And it’s ended up (or even begun) with me, frankly, choosing to accept men who are actually emotionally unavailable which ends up a painful mess and I loose months of my life recovering and other aspects of my life are neglected. Actually, even when I choose it turns out pretty rubbish. Totally not worth it!

Siwa is the answer?

Huh? That makes no sense!

Siwa, this amplifier that will break me into pieces before reshaping me… Bloody marvellous! Here's to ... whatever it is....

Photo: Olive groves.